Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Public Transport. Warning... Rant Ahead!

Did you guys know that I talk to you?  I do, all the time.  Mostly in my head, but even sometimes out loud.  Whenever something is really good or even really bad, I automatically start writing you a blog post.  I’m usually pretty good about picking and choosing which ones I actually share with you.  (I don’t want you to know just how deep the crazy goes.)

But this is one rant that will no longer be denied.  I’ve got an amazing new blog design in the works (ohemgee wait until you see it!!)  and I don’t want to muck it up with the ugliness that I’m about to throw down.  (I can't believe I just said throw down.)  I think we should just get this one out of the way.  So, if you are easily offended or if you actually know me in real life, you might want to look away.  There will be adult language and gestures. 

Can we please just talk about the bullsh*t that is public transport?

Disclaimer:  I mostly love the public transport system in the UK.  It is extensive and the fact that it moves millions of people from point A to points XY and Z is amazing.  I couldn’t do without it.  It really is remarkable.    


Here are some of the things that really suck about public transport. 

First off, it is such a frickin’ effort! 

It takes forever to get anywhere. You have to make sure you have proper access.  Then you have to take a look at the bowl of spaghetti that is the London tube or bus map and figure out where the hell you’re going.  It takes a degree to get that far.  Any route you pick still includes at least a mile of walking in the rain.  (Which is why I’ve stopped styling my hair.  Why bother?)   And there are all of these crazy secrets, like which stations are the best and require the least walking or have the least stairs or which carriage is the best to use to avoid a long walk at the other end.  (Yes, for me it is all about reducing my steps.  Don’t judge.)

Second, there is no trunk or glove box to put your sh*t in! 

I traveled two n’ a half hours today back from a business trip lugging 47 pounds of luggage.  (Yes, I weighed it.)  And now I can’t lift my arms high enough to get the wine glass to my mouth.  I’m using a crazy straw, People.  And that’s not just getting on and off the bus or train.  NooOooOo.  That’s getting on and off four frickin’ times, up and down stairs and escalators, along never endless corridors and trying to mind the damn gap.   Not to mention swiping my travel card (after digging it out of my purse with my teeth) to get through the gates holding that 47 pounds of sh*t and not getting injured.  

 Third, it’s just not comfortable!

Okay, I admit I can be a bit of a Princess from time to time.  (I’m practising for 50 when I get to be a full-on Diva all the time.  Be afraid.  Be very afraid.)  But, it’s just not comfy and even at times… icky.  Usually you are standing up and, I swear, the drivers are trying to see how many people they can throw from the vehicle.  I’ve strained muscles trying to just stay upright.  And then there are all the cooties.  You have to hold on for dear life to these metal poles or sit on these cloth seats.  And you can just imagine if they brought in one of those CSI lamps like they use on those hotel exposes.  It just gives me the heebie jeebies thinking about it, so I’ll move on quickly.  

Finally, there are… OTHER PEOPLE EVERYWHERE!!!!

I have a confession.  Sometimes, people just annoy the sh*t out of me.  I’ve seen people adults pick their nose, suck their thumbs, pick their teeth and then eat it, pick a scab and then smell their finger, clip their nails, get to second base… all sorts of crazy stuff.  It’s like they think they are invisible.  It’s all I can do not to curl up in the fetal position and suck MY thumb.  They are always in a much bigger hurry and you are really just in the way.  And oh my gawd, don’t even get me started on the frickin’ headphones with music so loud you can hear it over the train.  And it’s never Michael Buble?  WTH?  And then there are the people yelling never ending, unbelievable conversations into their cell phones.   They say the most stupid sh*t!  It’s usually in a language I don’t understand, but when it is in English every other word seems to be “f*ckin’” or “innit.”   And can I just put this out there?  If you are having a fag outside with your mate, don’t stand on either side of the frickin’ door!  I have actually had to duck under a cloud of smoke to get into a train station. 

::deep cleansing breath::

::deep cleansing gulp of wine from crazy straw::

Right.  So, I actually feel much better. (Don't mind the eyelid twitching.)

If you’ve read this far then you are a brave soul or possibly a psychology major.  I appreciate you allowing me this crazy tirade.  It really all had to be said.  

I promise that tomorrow we will return to our regularly scheduled programming.  I’m working on the Switzerland/Austria recaps and I promise to bring you raindrops on roses, and whiskers on kittens.  (But, let’s face it.  Roses have thorns and kittens have hairballs… and litter boxes.)

Do you want to hear something funny?  The other day when I was having a little princess moment, TE turned to me straight faced and with is dry, British humor said the following….  

Ah.  I see you’ve deployed the Princess Bubble.

Isn’t that hysterical?  And so true!  I can be such a nightmare sometimes.   

Have you deployed your Princess Bubble lately?



p.s.  You can't be offended by the pictures in this post.  It's art.  From a museum garden in Zurich.   And wasn't it less offensive that I used asterisks rather than vowels in all the curse words?  No? 


  1. TE is a funny guy! Tee hee hee!
    I do appreciate the asterisks! We all feel the need to rant at one time or another...some are more fun to read that other's. Even in your ranting you come up with a 'takeaway' nugget. "I promise to bring you raindrops on roses, and whiskers on kittens. (But, let’s face it. Roses have thorns and kittens have hairballs… and litter boxes.)" Loved that one...may I use it?
    Hope your tomorrows are filled with the roses and kittens and not the crap that goes with them. ;-)
    Looking forward to seeing your new design on the blog.

  2. It is funny, I felt this way about the public transport when we lived in London and now I miss it! But it was a nightmare with my son in his stroller.

  3. This was awesome. Good rant and I would join you for a glass of wine and a crazy straw any day of the week.

    Looking forward to the new design!

  4. Haha, you crack me up!! I actually don't mind public transportation, but I will 100% agree with you on the grossness of the things you have to hold on to- I've not got a germ thing, but I refuse to touch escalator handholds, stair rails, and other non-stability related handholds. I do my best to not touch subway poles and door knobs, either, but obviously that's not always an option. To be honest it most likely stems from my hatred of being sticky and the general public's inability to refrain from touching things with candy-covered hands, but...

    Oh, look! I've joined you in rant-land ;)

  5. Bahahahaha... I love it!! I am so glad that I don't commute by public transport, I have avoidance issues with all of the above. I am glad I am a mum at home in the suburbs and I drive a car around. Peace be with you and may you carry around hand disinfectant to save your sanity and keep sanitary, or at least wear gloves.

  6. I loved this rant and definitely agree with it, particularly the last one, people are just so frustrating, what annoys me the most is when you are trying to get off the tube and the people who are wanting to get on just stand there in a line blocking the door or start to get on before you've gotten off, where am I meant to go? On the whole I love the London transport system as it is so easy to get around, however sometimes I wish I were back up North where people queue for buses and don't just push on.

  7. Here here...take out the crazy straw and lets have a toast! "down with publuc transportation...and buffets....for all the same reasons!". Gulp...i totally took a drink of wine, did you?

    You should rant more often, its A lot more fun and reminds me of the good old days...which really were not THAT good, you know.

    Cindy Bee

  8. Oh my!! I loved this post! I laughed out loud....a lot. I had tears running down my face and I may have thrown my head back laughing a few times. So delightfully written! I have thought many of the valid points that you brought up and agree wholeheartedly with the germ thing (yuck!!!). Can't wait to see your new blog design. Exciting!

  9. LOL, so glad I've found your blog today! I needed a good giggle! Thanks! :)

  10. Okay, true blue Brit here defending public transport! I get fed up living in country where you have to drive everywhere (ie the USA). Before when I travelled using public transport I never had to go to the gym. Now I have to drive to the gym because I can't walk anywhere.

    Without public transport, what would British folks have to complain about? It combines everything we love to moan about in one fell swoop.

    I was going to list them in this comment box but it started to get a bit lengthy. Hehe, I'm going to have to do a rejoinder to your rant now…

    1. I agree, gladley - public transport is almost the 'perfect storm' for complaining!

      Oh, and here's another rant: the lack of public restrooms in Tube stations. I need to be very strategic with my cups of tea if I'm crossing London :)

  11. Good rant Selena,
    Sorry your journey was a pain, but you it's the moaning that keeps us Brits going.
    Hope you have a lovely snowy weekend,
    Liz x

  12. adventuresofalondonkiwiAugust 6, 2013 at 3:04 AM

    Love this rant - totally agree the public transport here can be an utter nightmare, especially when it rains. There have been quite a few days I've turned to my hubby with a look of utter disgust and told him I hate his country (it only usually lasts until I'm home & dry).
    One of the joys of being an expat!

  13. I feel you. I haven't published any of my rants to my blog, but I still keep them safely stored in my brain :)

    New York City subway... I was used to the London tube where you walk down the same flight of stairs and then you can either board a northbound or a southbound train (east/west). But no, not NYC. You walk downstairs only to find two trains going in the same direction: regular and express. When you board said express train by accident and, 3 stations later, realize what you've done, you have to walk upstairs and then downstairs again, to go the other way. With 50 lbs of luggage. No elevators? Seriously? Thankfully, when leaving NYC with like, 100 lbs of luggage, several people helped me carry it downstairs and upstairs. <3 (I love NYC though!)

  14. Everyone needs a good rant from time to time. I'm embarrassed to admit that I haven't yet been to New York. We are hoping to go this December. The London tube will be good practice, I'm sure. Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting! I'm lovin' your blog and so going to make that no bake cheesecake! xoxo

  15. So true! Ive just written a rant about public transport too. You can read the full post here

    The need for fresh air is greatly underestimated on public transport. Every bus, every train and every tram seems to have at least one person who stinks on it at all times and in an enclosed space there is no escape.

    There are information signs all over public transport, how about including one along the lines of "Teenagers, cheap deodorant should not be used to mask your stench, you also need to take regular showers and use soap".

    Actually, why not add some public information signs informing people about hygiene in general. I have seen people pick their nose, suck their fingers, scratch their genitals (with hands down their pants), pick their teeth and pick scabs. They then go on and rub their hands all over the poles or the seat. You would have less chance of catching something gross if you spent a night rubbing up against Ke$ha.

  16. Didn't know any tubes had glove boxes, none I've seen in England or America anyways. Now the trains do, I don't use them mind as I'd forget it lol


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